Written on 2/17/13
Two months ago , I woke up in a hospital bed. I was completely overwhelmed by how relieved I was that my surgery went well and by how much post-surgical pain hurts. I was so grateful for small things ( like being able to sit in bed, or take a few steps, or get my foley out). I was hopeful that my surgery would make a difference in my health and that this would be a turning point in how I feel.
Two months ago, I am not sure I would have dreamed that things would be as good as they are today.
I am feeling so good--still! Prior to the surgery, admist all the tiger belly issues-- I would have good days, but they would be clouded by this feeling of gray. I would eventually get tired, feel weak or have a return of this chronic, nagging belly pain. But, since the surgery.... I'm been feeling amazing!
Occassionally, when we're together I will look over to Kenny and say (still surprised) "I haven't had belly pain in so long." My energy level is up, my fatigue is away and I 'm feeling great.
I've been feeling so much better, I've even taken to a new and improved healthy plan for Ashley. I've began exercising and running again. Besides wanting to actually feel better about my body ( and to shed stupid steroid weight), I really want to regain some control over my own self. I am choosing to pay into my health by not putting junk into my body ( bye bye french fries and soda and empty calories) and by trying to challenge myself. I want to run and be active because I can. I want to run because some days in the recent past.... I couldn't. I knew what is was like to feel tired and with no energy. And I don't feel that way anymore.
My actually skill with the running waxes and wanes. But, I'm trying to be commited. I've been stretching or yoga-ing or running most days of the week. And sometimes, while running-- I try to imagine the new improved connection between my small and large intestine. I think of it getting better and stronger. I think about how stupid crohns was to think it could attack me and bring me down. And I think about the year and a half I was actually sick and the many years that I was sick and didn't know it. And I run through those bad times. And I run towards many days with me feeling better and stronger. And I run towards a brighter future.
The last few days, I have actually been feeling so good that I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be so worried about my "tiger belly". In general, the time spent talking about the tiger belly has gone down to almost nothing. It's weird to not be actively thinking about it anymore and it's actually equally weird to know that it could come back whenever it wants. But as my dad says "I hope the tiger belly is on permanent vacation, and not just sleeping."
Update: 3/24/13
For those of you who don't know, I work in the same hospital that I stayed in after my surgery. This last thursday, my job brought me back to the room that was my hospital room for 5 days. I walked into that room in my white coat for a consult for my job. And it was weird. I had flashbacks of mental pictures of walking back and forth in that room. I remember walking my first slow steps after surgery. I remembered what the walls looked like when I was alone and was getting ready to fall asleep. But it was nice to walk back out of that room. I was out, with straight posture, running my fingers over the healed area of my abdomen scar. I was so thankful for time gone by.
